Angeline Brunel has only been blogging for a few months, but her honest accounts of living with Postnatal Depression have provided a refreshingly supportive mirror to other sufferers – and their loved ones.
Here, she recounts those darkest days and how much lighter her life is now.
I was delighted that I was given the opportunity to talk about Postnatal Depression (PND) becauseI have experienced this and know it like a mole on my skin. Ever present, big and dark.
I guess it started for me almost immediately after getting home that day from the hospital, not knowing what would await us as new parents and not knowing why they let this little life come home with us. I almost half-expected to be stopped at the door by security.
When we got home, we hadn't thought about bottles and feeding and that she actually might be hungry! I sent my husband out and was literally left holding a screaming baby. I didn't know how to comfort or soothe her and it was as though the confidence and energy that I had in the hospital was slowly slipping away.
I was scared and felt so much despair and I couldn't understand this as I was happy in the hospital and although I was excited about leaving to start the life that I imagined was awaiting us, I fell into a downward spiral.
When we had the midwife come out a few days later, I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling and knew that something was wrong. I told her this as I was crying uncontrollably but her response was, “it's just the baby blues”.
Boy was she wrong!
I knew exactly what it was but I don't think I was able to properly put it into words at the time. Too many emotions were going through my head and the sleep deprivation had a hold on me like nothing else.
So, here I find myself four years later and much better but with some anxiety present, writing about my own experience in a blog that I had intended to be a therapeutic process but has turned in to much more.
I have had this blog for two months and knowing that nearly 2,000 people have viewed this in different countries means that there is a need for us women and men who write about it. People need support and want support and I am making it my mission to break down the stigmas of PND.
I want people to know that my thoughts of harming myself, shouting and swearing and not wanting my baby, are normal feelings when you have PND. I also want people to know that there is help out there through support groups, blogs and the internet. You don't have to go through this alone. I felt my experience with health professions to be a major let down but with the blog, I intend to educate those who we are supposed to go to help for.
If you visit my blog, please feel free to ask any questions or contact me privately. I also run a support group in Glasgow and am open to doing this in different locations throughout the city as I know that not all areas are accessible.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
--Angeline Brunel, www.daftmamma.co.uk
